poor decisions...

i am 32... -i've never been drunk -i've never tried any recreational drugs -i've never smoked -i've never stolen something from a store, however i used to steal quarters from my sister's dresser (and later paid her back because i felt so guilty) -i waited until marriage to have intercourse -i never played hooky from school -i've never cheated on a test -i've never taken part in vandalism -i've never physically abused someone -i've OBVIOUSLY never murdered anyone (though if i had i may not tell you) -i've never raped anyone however...i fell in love with and married a divorced man with a child... aforementioned divorced man left me, left our daughter, and sent his daughter, from the previous marriage, back to live with her mother (who'd taken very poor care of said child thus losing custody to us) i still feel anger at God, 6 years after he left, for allowing this all to happen... my heart is somewhat hardened towards God. i say somewhat because i still thank him, profusely, when he helps me ( i need a LOT of help!). i REFUSE to turn my back on HIM completely. i could NEVER NOT love HIM. i KNOW he's saved me, numerous times. i don't go to church every sunday... i say the word POOP a LOT...i TALK about POOP A LOT...i say CRAP all the time...i talk about farting and DO fart when i'm around my family members... i LOVE movies and t.v. i KNOW i watch some things that are inappropriate, but do it any way. i swear in my head a lot, and while at work, when very stressed, i swear out loud... i have a terrible relationship with my mother and a strained relationship with my eldest sister. i barely talk to either...my mom and i rarely get along, and from time to time, i raise my voice to her...i almost never see my eldest sister, and despite the fact that we have a LOT in common, i think we only superficially get along. i'm very forgetful...i forget to tell people happy birthday, on time. i work part-time because my job won't allow me to be full-time. numerous family members and random members of the community think i'm lazy...despite the fact that my boss told me i'm one of two, of his best technicians. everyone comes to me when they have questions. apparently i'm good at my job and i give all that i have when i'm at work, will help customers when i'm at the store shopping, will help cashiers when they're having problems, when i'm at the store shopping, pick up garbage or place things correctly on the shelves, when i'm at the store shopping...i do my best despite the fact that i couldn't afford to pay my bills, i was still giving money to my "Compassion" child and another christian organization, and opted to sell my car instead of discontinuing my donations...selling my car wasn't enough and now i've had to discontinue donations, but hope to change that soon... if i know someone that is in need of something, i will give it to them, whether i already have it or have to purchase it...i hate to see people struggle, or unhappy, or in pain... i've paid for a friend's prescriptions because i know he has less money than i do, despite the fact that i didn't really have the money to give in the first place. i love giving people gifts. when i'm in a store, garage sale-ing, shopping at a thrift store, etc. and i see something i know a person would love, i HAVE to buy it for them (when i can afford it, of course). no matter where i go i am ALWAYS thinking of others... when i was doing post-secondary, my senior year of high school, i befriended a troubled boy. he confided in me that he was doing drugs, drinking, and other things he shouldn't be doing. he'd even mentioned suicide. i'd written him some letters (snail mail) that his mother had found. i'd written that suicide should never be an option and basically told him that people cared about him, that I cared about him, and that he needed to change his habits and whatnot. his mother found the letters and assumed that her 16 year old son was having an "affair" with an older girl, in college, and that i was taking advantage of him. he was immediately sent to military school. in military school he could no longer drink, smoke, do drugs, or anything else, that could hurt him. military school turned his life around. he got a piloting license and learned how to scuba dive, while there. he realized his potential in life, and started living to achieve his newly found goals. he told me that i saved his life... yet my brother-in-law told his daughter, who told MY daughter, that he doesn't like me because i've made poor decisions... i have a hard time agreeing with the "poor decisions" statement...at least to the extent that would warrant someone disliking me, or thinking i was a bad person (especially when that person is supposed to love me as a family member should AND professes to be a christian (and acts as if he's sin-free)...

the memories

the memories are leaving me the same way that you did... slowly and sometimes quietly, but then sometimes violently and i can barely stand when its done. i'm surprised but not fully. i'm broken almost completely. my heart only beats occasionally. and my eyes want to stay closed as much as possible. because even three more minutes of the good times can bring hope to my lifeless body. of course, the bad memories are paralyzing, and spirit breaking, and when these times visit, and stay longer than they should, its then that i have no hope that happiness will ever return. 12/21/08

the vows

you couldn't even wait 'til
the death we will part
you jumped ahead a few years to the
you fell apart.
and the sickness and health
included in the deal
consisted of i'm sick-i drive you crazy
you're sick-you choose to be lazy.
to have and to hold
is now to ignore and be alone.
to honor and cherish?
well, two words, beautiful words at that,
really aren't a part of your vocabulary...
forsaking all others
ALL OTHERS
which wasn't something you should have lied about being able to do.
12/19/08

untitled...

i sit here and i can't quite grasp my thoughts
for they run through my mind so quickly
but leave little shards of themselves.
there is no doubt that they were there
because remnants of their rambunctious visit
are permanently nestled amongst my constant thoughts of you.
my haunting memories of the past
the frequent longing for things i can not have
and my never-ending doubts and questions
of what went wrong
and what should i do next?
will this confusing and unsettling disaster of unrest and questioning
never stop engulfing me?
11/18/08

untitled

my heart is in pieces
and no matter how hard i try
i can't fit them back together.
every time i think i've succeeded
i find several loose chips haphazardly lying around
and it seems as if it would be easy
just to study then place the parts together
but each time i think i'm done
i find a sliver or 12
hidden amongst papers, pictures, and songs
and i'm back at square one again.
this puzzle is tiring me
getting more frustrating daily
and i'm beginning to think that my heart will never be whole again.
11/18/08

my husband has died

after a long struggle with selfishness my husband died. he actually died a year ago but i forgot my blogspot log-in. thanks to a friend i was able to get back in to inform all the non-existant readers of my 3 posts that my husband has passed away...i'm sure you'll all be able to sleep well tonight. God Bless!

german obssessed husband

yes...its crazy but i do in fact have a husband who is not only infatuated with mac computers but is also coo coo for germans...well...not germans necessarily but germany and most things created there...so i guess you could say germans. matt is actually of british (father's side) and cherokee indian (mother's side) decent, with a little extra something else from his mom (she's not full cherokee). matthew graduated from high school when he was 17 and had his parents sign on the dotted line so he could join the air force. other than desperately wanting to be immortalized as a g.i. joe someday he wanted to travel the world on the government's credit card. above all he wanted to be stationed in germany so he could embrace his stalker-like love of all things german and perhaps stay there when his tour was up. unfortunately in his 10 plus years in the air force matt never got his dream of traveling, outside the u.s that is. during the 10 or so years matt married, had a daughter (helped create one that is), divorced, remarried (me), got custody of aforementioned daughter, created another daughter (with me), and then separated from the miliarty in 2004. i hate that matt never got to travel to the fatherland, his utopia of sorts. if i had it in my power to send him there, hopefully with me in tow, i would.
until i met matt i was one of those american girls, buy american, unless shopping at wal-mart of course and had hardly thought of a foreign car let alone wanting to own one. i thought american cars were above and beyond the rest even though i knew next to nothing of "the rest". now, when admiring cars or wishing i could have one of my own, an american made car never enters my mind. i want a VW, BMW, or maybe even a MERCEDES, or TOYOTA, or HONDA. notice my first two choices are german made. obviously i have been greatly influenced by my spouse. also, one of the crazy habits that come along with his german-loving trait is turning items over, in a store mind you, and checking to see if the product is made in Germany before purchasing. in the beginning of our marriage, when i was first being introduced to these german fiendish quirks, there was always a lengthy campaign after a random habit appeared explaining german craftsmanship and while you may be paying more now...you will ultimately be paying less in the long-run because the german made item will last longer and work more efficiently. seriously, GERMANY, if you ever need someone to defend your redeeming qualities i have just the person for you.
matt and i have been married for 4 plus years and after seeing who HE really is and then sometimes sharing with friends and family about HIS silly infatuations and actions related to those infatuations, i have been scolded, many a time, by mr. german about telling EVERYONE about the things he does and how he LOVES germany and all things flowing forth from said place and how old my stories of him get. actually, the same thing happens if i mention matt's love for macs to anyone. either i embarrass him, he wants to keep his "secret passions" to himself, or he just wishes i wouldn't talk about him at all. i don't know what it is but i enjoy sharing these things with others, obviously e.g. my last two blogs. i think he's very unique and a majority of the time i'm proud of him and his accomplishments, knowledge, and interests. i'm telling ya, i'm married to a very interesting character. i feel like a best-selling book could be written about him and people would be intrigued...and i can pretty much predict what he'll say to this comment. "you're ridiculous." or "i think you're crazy." or "if you or someone wrote a book no one would buy it." or "i think you need help." and the list can go on and on forever...
i'm definitely not a talented writer and i've forgotten a lot of grammatical things since high school, but if some "big wig" out there happens upon my blog and feels like donating to a charity or doing something nice for the "little people"; please consider my husband and our family. OR, if you want to write a germany travel guide best-seller, please feel free to send my husband and me on an all expense paid trip to germany to see the sights and experience everything GERMAN. seriously, don't be shy...no legitimate offers will be turned down.